SPREAD YOUR WINGS AND FLY, OUR LITTLE BUTTERFLY.
I cradled her peacefully in my arms, only this time it's different, she's finally letting me.
On Sundays, I would usually take her away from my brother's arms so I could cradle her on my own. She would cry in protest and struggle out of my grip. I would slightly panic and right away return her to my brother since it's best for her not to cry. At least her heart's not allowed to weep, or to put everything into perspective, her heart should not employ any kind of laborious activity. It would have been an ordeal easily managed, but she was just a baby. How can a baby with a heart engineered differently take hold of her feelings? How can a baby who holds so much in her tiny little body contain her tears?
On that faithful Thursday night, I rushed to the funeral place and saw my brother inconsolable seated across my sister, carrying what seemed to be a sleeping image of my niece. She's lying peacefully, no more signs of her usual struggles. Almost like she was finally home. Up there. I took her in my arms. Everything felt entirely different now. She was finally letting me carry her. She was cold and heavy. It's like her body have manifested all the weight she carried while she was living. She looked like in a deep sleep, only we all know she's no longer waking up, and that is probably the hardest thing to digest. Her face projected a relieving kind of ease, I can almost see her grinning in her final moments. Like a grin of accomplishment. Like a telling sign that she has finally served her purpose. To spare a portion of her soul, her laughter, her love to the people whose lives have changed when she arrived, and whose lives will never be the same after she's gone.
DEATH FROM A CHILD'S PERCEPTION
My 4 year old cousin is very fond of my niece, like a dotting sister to say the least. She would play with her and eagerly assist on her feeding. She would sing nursery rhymes in utter conviction to pacify my niece from crying. She would constantly look for her on days she's not around and would entirely be giddy when she learns my niece is coming over. Upon being told about the death of my niece, she seemed slightly hostile. She would dispute the information almost like she knows death is not a laughing matter but can't entirely grasp the totality of it. After all, what does a 4-year old know about the concept of death? What tugged my very core is that even though young children aren't fully aware with the notion of death and the grief and sorrow that comes alongside it, they can actually feel the loss. They know that someone is heading somewhere nice and that would eventually be their dwelling.
After the death of my niece, my cousin would collect clothes she outgrew and would tell us she intended it for my now late niece. On one occasion she lost a hold of her balloon, a typical reaction from her is an emotional outburst. But on that sole occasion, she was in a calm state saying that balloon is bound to heaven and my niece would eventually receive it as a present from her.
An 8 year old boy who is technically the uncle of my niece is also excessively fond of her. On the first night of her wake, he divided his food in half and placed it on the coffin of my niece. It was such a sweet, innocent act. On the succeeding nights of my niece’s wake, that little boy would consistently place a portion of whatever he has on her coffin, selflessly. I saw that same boy sobbing heavily in tears at the interment of my niece. I felt my heart clenched at the sight of it. I’m not sure if anybody batted an eyelash but he was wine red from crying. Albeit being surrounded by an ocean of grieving people, the vision of that little boy dealing with his own grief will forever be haunting, lingering in mid air. And once again I am reminded that TIME--is the only thing we can never get back or get more of.
----
"Why can't people see the good things in front of them?"
"They think they have time for it later"
~
"Cause you never think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever but you don't"
For a year and seven months, she was meant for the world. In that span of time she fought for her place in this world. And it's no easy battle for a little warrior whose greatest archenemy is the very thing that keeps her alive. Life was never easy for her, going in and out of hospitals. Having to have support for breathing when it should come naturally. Several times she has to owe her blood for diagnostic exams. Antibiotics in her system. Multiple IV insertions and gastric tubes. A series of pain episodes only she knows the onset, and only her body knows how to alleviate. Too much a tiny body can take, but she was a tough one. And I guess that's the beauty when some of your organs suck at being organs, 'cause all other parts of your body gather up all their resources to hold you together and support you. But now, she can finally rest her heart. She is finally liberated from all the pain she has to endure. And in her final days, I wondered how much pain she had to suffer that finally she resigned herself into her demise. And it's no easy matter dealing with death. Not for the one who's dying. Not for the ones who are left behind. But I realized that to those who have been long suffering, maybe the best part of their journey is at the end.
DEATH FROM A CHILD'S PERCEPTION
My 4 year old cousin is very fond of my niece, like a dotting sister to say the least. She would play with her and eagerly assist on her feeding. She would sing nursery rhymes in utter conviction to pacify my niece from crying. She would constantly look for her on days she's not around and would entirely be giddy when she learns my niece is coming over. Upon being told about the death of my niece, she seemed slightly hostile. She would dispute the information almost like she knows death is not a laughing matter but can't entirely grasp the totality of it. After all, what does a 4-year old know about the concept of death? What tugged my very core is that even though young children aren't fully aware with the notion of death and the grief and sorrow that comes alongside it, they can actually feel the loss. They know that someone is heading somewhere nice and that would eventually be their dwelling.
After the death of my niece, my cousin would collect clothes she outgrew and would tell us she intended it for my now late niece. On one occasion she lost a hold of her balloon, a typical reaction from her is an emotional outburst. But on that sole occasion, she was in a calm state saying that balloon is bound to heaven and my niece would eventually receive it as a present from her.
An 8 year old boy who is technically the uncle of my niece is also excessively fond of her. On the first night of her wake, he divided his food in half and placed it on the coffin of my niece. It was such a sweet, innocent act. On the succeeding nights of my niece’s wake, that little boy would consistently place a portion of whatever he has on her coffin, selflessly. I saw that same boy sobbing heavily in tears at the interment of my niece. I felt my heart clenched at the sight of it. I’m not sure if anybody batted an eyelash but he was wine red from crying. Albeit being surrounded by an ocean of grieving people, the vision of that little boy dealing with his own grief will forever be haunting, lingering in mid air. And once again I am reminded that TIME--is the only thing we can never get back or get more of.
----
"Why can't people see the good things in front of them?"
"They think they have time for it later"
~
"Cause you never think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever but you don't"
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